the thing about letting go.

"peace.
it does not mean to be
in a place where this is no noise,
trouble or hard work.
it means to be in the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart."

so, im taking a break from psycology hw... a break that i might add is, not deserved,lol but i have alot of my mind.. well kinda.. idk...well yeah..lol.. w/e tho.. its this thing about letting go...when i was home this past weekend, my family and i were at the table discussing the future and what we want and how one of the most important things is being a peace with yourself. knowing yourself, and making sure that no matter what you do,makes YOU happy... and at the end of the day, when you go to sleep you know that you're okay, and you find peace within your soul... and sometimes between your thoughts, and the things going on in your life, the people that come in and out.. the heart and the mind.. sometimes they dont match up, somewhere along the way the wires get switched and you cant make up your mind..and thats when it gets hard to find peace, because if your heart is telling you one thing, and your mind is telling you another... its hard. because you dont know whats right. so many times my MIND said to "let go.. just let it go." but my heart just would not let it. no way, no how. but things change, people change, so it makes it easier for us, well me, to let go of things, people..whatever the situation maybe, things change.. and eventually you learn to adapt with or without the reason why you couldnt find peace in your mind in the first place....we also talked about love and marriage and how when you get married you should marry them because in your heart you feel that you love them the most that you can and that you can build on a life with them, have kids or w/e have you.. and be able to share with that person, my parents were like.. you give them your heart because you cant give them anything else that has more value to you. its kinda like, i'm giving you my heart because i cant give you my soul. and thats deep... when you love someone that much. that strong. that deep. that is a beautiful thing. to find a love that is pure and the truest thing you have ever met in your life...

mad deep thoughts, i know... its just that last night..

i mean, when people pass..its not easy to let go, most of the time i never do..actually i dont think i ever have, because they are still very much with me everyday, and its like nothing i can do about it.. but letting go of a friend or a love is different, its harder. cause that person is still around, just not around how they used to be. and sometimes i wish that i didnt always look back.. i've gotten stronger about things like that.. but i wish i didnt care as much as i did...but maybe my heart will change and grow with my mind and eventually i can let go completely. but when people grab your life like they do, and been there for so long.. its hard ya know.. and as much as that person changes, you know how they truly were, as a person, best friend, lover, whatever have you... i'm writing this about two people in my life that mean/meant alot to me at points in my life. and even though they are not that much apart of my life like they used to, they still are in a way, cause i never stopped caring about them... its just that well...a love can only be denied for so long.. the time he took to realize, was the time i was taking to get over him, and it happened.. in that way.. and it sucks because man, if i coulda gave him my soul, i would of... no questions asked. and it hurts to say because i still love him you know. but a love that is like.. i've known him for so long and i was in love for so long, that it kinda jus turned into an unconditional love and he taught me so much. he is an amazing person, its just that he changed...and had he hadnt... i would probably still be,very much still in love with him. so im sad for his changes, but then again... without them, i wouldnt have changed..

idk, i was looking thru myspace, and my name in your hero section, caught my attention and def. caught me off guard, and i dont how long its been there or whatever but.. it made me think alot... how i wish i didnt care, because as much as i DONT, i do.. and its like...thru everything. everything we ever been thru i never thought it woulda ended the way it did, or end at all for that matter.. as im writing this im thinking like damn.. what would it be like if we were still like before...hm, i guess everything happens for a reason, and because things have changed so much i know that has contributed to the part of me that has let go. but i know that the memories and the person you were contribute to why i cant let go after everything... 10 years is a long fuckin time... thats alot of tears,laughs,jokes,secrets,deep convos, boys, changes, just a whole lot of LIFE in all of those years... and most of all alot of growing up.. it just makes me think from time to time. it makes me sad sometimes that things arent the way they are...i mean were...and this right here, is a perfect example of the heart and mind, mixing wires up and hard to find peace with myself.. because my hearts like...... thinkin bout how it used to be, memories locked within it. my mind brings me back to reality to the way things are NOW. things arent the same, its hard for me to let go of the past, because how we were is not how we are today. and i have learned to except it, i just been waitin for the day not to care, and honestly if that day never comes, i'll be good because im in no rush not to care, i dont even know if that day will ever come. because thru it all... no matter what i cant erase the past of my life, cant erase you, and even if i could i wouldnt, because you've taught me alot.. things are just different now.and it just sucks....

...don't lose someone you love over your pride. sometimes you have to?... psh who knows. the act loving is truly a blessing. and im not talking about the love of a significant other, loving anything, anyone. loving that person/thing so much that it keeps you going. i think as long as you have someone to love, or feel loved, nothing can stop you. you just have to stay positive, because i know i love loving, i love life, i love so many people, and things. i love music.... and i LOVE living, even when life sometimes doesnt make sense, i know that someday it all will... all the choices i make, all the people that walk in and out of it, everything has a purpose and maybe i dont know right now... i will someday, and i am in no rush to find out, imma jus keep learning, breathing, listening, giving, laughing, teaching, mannn imma just living and enjoying life for as long as God wants me to!!

asi es la vida
la bella vita.

sb