exhausted.

truths:
its only october 2nd and i am so exhausted and tired. my life consists of the following:

• waking up at 5:50AM everyday, monday-friday
• commute to new york. last stop in manhattan -_-
• work. school. or school then work.
• study.
• chill with my boyfriend or just go home.
• commute back home.
• get home. chores,shower,sleep.

i feel like i have lost touch with many people, and truthfully im completely fine with it. i have no desire to make new friends. thats kinda bad, but at the same time, i dont care enough. i have plenty of going on with school and my daily life to be worried about keeping up with people that arent really in my life like they used to be. i will put in as much effort as you. i also see myself feeling like i did my senior year of high school. just going to school and chillin at home, im not really into the party scene, getting drunk or high. ill go to parties and kick it with my friends, but i feel so chill and mellow, like, im just too tired to do anything else. and on the weekends i dont even sleep late because i have to work to get a decent pay check. i hate my job, btw, which also contributes to my exhaustion of my life.sometimes i feel alone. sometimes i feel like i only have my boyfriend.im so tired and i wanna go to an island for a month and then maybe come back, or island hop. truth be told.

i feel like relationships are growing without me. and its not that i dont care, its that i dont mind. keeping to my own.i feel like this is a mindstate that will probably have to change soon, or pretty soon, the only relationship i will have, is with myself.

i love my friends and being with them, but sometimes i feel like the effort is so extra at times keeping up with everyone and their lives. and i know my friends are there in times of need, but all of my friends feel the same way about their probelms... we are so good to one another that we dont wanna be a "burden" on each other. although neither of us mind helping one another out. i think we are all focused on trying to make shit right on our own, and we come back to one another when things are good. and thats why we blog about things, because we know our friends read them, and sometimes things dont have to be said, or even mentioned. just read it on your own time, and know whats going on in my life...

things are changing and they are changing fast. and its true that as much as things change, they stay the same. things have changed with my sisters, friends, with distance, college, life, but at the end they are still my sisters and friends. my house has been changed, people come and go, but at the end, the 6 of us still live there, even through the fights and growths amongst ourselves, in our minds, spirits, souls, mannerisms, etc. we still are family.i dont want to live at home anymore. 75% of me doesnt. 25% still does, because of my mom. and i mainly wanna leave because my room isnt MY room. i share with a fourteen year old that doesnt respect my things. i am 20 years old. why do i share a room with a little girl. things have to keep changing, and they better change fast.

i feel like i have lost my way. in all honesty, im not as passionate about my major. i think its because im in my junior year and im getting closer to actually applying all of the things i learned, but i dont feel confident that i will get into a good grad school. and im worried that i wont succeed, the work load is crazy and its so overwhelming. i dont know if im capable of this. im not fully into it anymore. but i want this so bad. im just gonna have to focus, find my way and it things will work out for the better. it will all pay off in the end. even when im 3509725 dollars in debt, thanks pace.

but hey, its gonna be okay.... it's friday.

sb.